Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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