No awkward lesbian experiences without me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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