Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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