Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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