my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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