im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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