If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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