Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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