I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
