im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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