Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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