dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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