Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
