he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if only i could text you this smell
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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