Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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