Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
