just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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