u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
