Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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