I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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