I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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