my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
