so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
