just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
