I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
