Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
