where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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