We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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