who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
