This girl is more easily done than said...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
