he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
