Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
