True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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