U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
