ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
