i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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