FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
