She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
