too bad you live with your parents still
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I party with great urgency now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
