Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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