I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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