Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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