Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
