Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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