That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
