I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
