i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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