my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
