I'm eating all of the evidence.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
