margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
