I just threw up on my dentist
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
