Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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